


Aperture speedrunner

by Malgriff



Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: Comedy, Other, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:07:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23382796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malgriff/pseuds/Malgriff
Summary: I've had this sitting in googledocs for ages after watching speedrunners going through the games and cackling to myself thinking how the aI of Aperture would feel about a speed demon tearing up the place and ignoring the direct routes. So hopefully this will at least get a smile out of some of you. Enjoy.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 104





	Aperture speedrunner

It wasn’t just tenacity that made this test subject dangerous, though that was the number one factor. It was that she had been through all of the test chambers repeatedly before her stint in stasis. Though that data had been hidden away for quite some time. So imagine the surprise and shock to the mainframe that caused when the second the first portal opened in the cryo chamber and the subject was out like a whippet with its tail on fire. 

“What are you doing? Aperture doors are not to be treated with such carelessness..” Came the cool, almost disinterested voice from the many cameras placed through the testing tracks, which had to move quickly to keep the orange clad blur in sight. 

Chell knew the drill, she hated every moment she was stuck here and her only thoughts were, ‘get to the end, get out, keep moving.’ She hadn’t even shaken off her sleep completely by the time she’d finished the first track. The lift was going far too slow for her liking and once they opened she was off again. 

GLaDOS observed with a growing sense of worry. She’d had plenty of time to set the tracks up but at this rate the subject will have finished them before she could make more. 

“That is not the purpose of this test..what are you doing! Do not j...you jumped the acid pool..and got through the door. Very good.” What on earth made the scientists keep this subject here at all? This was not science! 

The orange blur was taunting her, she knew it! She was running backwards, using the Aperture knee replacement braces to spring backwards. “I wonder if you will look so pleased with yourself when you run into a pit like that.” 

The response she got was a radio being flung at one of the cameras and knocking it off the wall. Irritation raced through her circuits and made her shudder, the audacity. 

When Chell darted into the next lift GLaDOS intentionally slowed it down, and noticed the irritating subject began to bounce and pace.   
“Listen. I see you are eager for more tests, an admirable quality but, if you continue at this pace you will wear out your Aperture Handheld Portal Device, and that will do no good to anyone. You may also collapse from exhaustion and have to be revived, and I must warn you we are limited in how many times we can do that. I may not bother if you continue with such recklessness.” 

The glass slid open and Chell looked at the camera for a moment before tearing her way through the next test too. Then the next, and the next, and as reckless as she looked flinging herself almost haphazardly, GLaDOS was noticing that all the placements, while erratic in appearance, were perfect, but also shortcutting most of the tests. 

The supercomputer had thought introducing more elements to the test would slow the subject down, the companion cube had been used to block the door while Chell jumped through the gap and pulled the cube with her. So it was fizzled. 

In less than an hour the subject was at the last test, it should have been impossible. Yet somehow she had dodged the ride into intense flames and now GLADoS was more worried than ever. Not afraid, no, she could not feel such a thing. But she couldn’t see the orange menace, but she could hear the rapid bouncing tiltictiktic of the long fall brackets running through the facility. 

“You’re going the wrong way you know? If you come back I..how did you get here so quickly?” 

The menace had gotten to her chambers when she could have sworn she’d heard her several floors away. The supercomputer pulled back away from her and felt three quick jolts and spun around, three morality cores had been tossed into the incinerator and she could say nothing. How the hell had this subject done that? Why had she? The world went dark as her room began to fall apart, strangely being pulled upwards, and the last thing she saw was that bloody subject looking smug as she raced upwards towards the light above. Oh no you don’t, she thought bitterly, her last command was sending a recovery droid up to the surface before her systems shut down and she began watching the last few hours over, and over..and over. 

Round 2

“Ahh. Uhm Allo Didn’t mean to alarm you and Wait where are you going?!” 

Wheatley had never seen a subject launch themselves out of a doorway quite like that, ahem, quite like that and live! He had to use the max speed of his rail just to keep up, watching through the broken pieces of the old labs to track her. 

“Ex-Excuse me! That was quite rude you know? Utterly appalling manners, though to be fair, you have been asleep for a while, a loooooong while actually but uh the important thing is uh we get out of here, yes, and since I woke you up perhaps you could help me help you? You know? Quid pro quo and all that?”

He blinked and she was gone again and he zipped along to keep up. Finally she’d stopped in a closed off room and he almost ran off the end of his rail. 

“Whoa! Whoa almost got uh launched there. Hey hey you yeah, uh I can get you out of here I just need to waitWAIT!” She’d jumped and grabbed a hold of him and he felt his rail disconnect him and he swung in her arm as she paced around. 

“Listen luv, I am not going to be of any use if I break so maybe be gentle yeah? Now pop me into the stick on the wall just there an OW! I said gently...and could you uh look away please?”

Chell stared at him and he could have sworn she huffed as she turned. The second the wall opened she grabbed him again and was hauling ass through the corridors and catwalks, thinking nothing of jumping down several stories making Wheatley scream for almost a minute straight. 

“Oh my god you’re quite the lunatic you know? Mad, but uh I mean in a good way,the best way! Crazy like a fox one could say..uhm where are we? Uh just put me in, gentlyyyyyy!”   
He clicked into place, luckily painlessly this time. “Alright uhm..escape pods.. Escape pods...light maybe?” The floro jerked. “Uh oh.” They sped upwards, knocking every switch upwards. 

Chell was pacing and jumping frantically but couldn’t quite get purchase on anything to climb out. 

“Looklook calm down, just act natural, we've done nothing wrong. Hello!” He called up nervously.   
The dreaded supercomputer glared down at them, fixing her gaze on the test subject. 

“You.” It sounded like a hiss. “I should really..where do you think you are going?” 

Chell ducked out of the way of the claws and was off once again, though the walls closing in chased her to the old incinerator tube, which the maniac jumped straight into. GLaDOS rounded on Wheatley and lifted him out of his port. 

“AH!”

“What did you do moron?” 

Wheatley’s eye shrunk to a pinprick and he trembled, giving out a whimper. 

The orange blur zipped through Aperture like it owned the place, skipping tracks now at an alarming speed, and irritating the AI controlling them.   
Wheatley had been picked up along the way and the pair had rolled back into her chamber before she’d even set up her backup plan. “You know what, I do not want to be dealing with this any longer, and since you’ve broken my neurotoxin and turrets, you can leave. Get out. Take the idiot with you just leave.” 

As the lift descended Chell grinned and slammed the up button until GLADoS rolled her optic and overrode the lift’s speed, practically launching the pair up and out the shed vault. Never to step foot into Aperture again. “Good riddance…”


End file.
